I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
she woke up with a sticky ear
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
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