remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Randomize
