If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Randomize
