Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Randomize
