I wish I only lived at night.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
