the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
