i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
