Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
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He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
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I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
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