my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
