20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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