I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
