Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
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