god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
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i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
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For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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