Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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