i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
