it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
