alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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