i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I need to sanitize my soul.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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