I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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