i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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