i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
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True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
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I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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