DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
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