when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
