Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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