In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
