Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize
