I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
