if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
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