I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
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