Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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