I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
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