well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
