i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize
