I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
