Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
