Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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