Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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