all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
