I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
