im six kinds of drunk right now
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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