Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
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