im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
