i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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