I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize
