question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
