so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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