There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
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