Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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