tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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