You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
