there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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