Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
You made out with two different species that night
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
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