Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Randomize
