Heybabeimwearingurpanties
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
