i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Randomize
