my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
