i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Randomize
