I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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