Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Randomize
