Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
