3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize